Hi Deb

For all the British members:

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him London.

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Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Does that make him Jack London?

So where is the picture? I me some puppies!!!!

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My best pirate joke.

A little boy was awed by a real-life pirate.
"How did you get that peg-leg?" He asked the pirate.
"Shiver me timbers, a man fell overboard, so I hadsta save him, see, then a shark got me leg."
The boy was more awed.
"How did you get that hook arm?" He asked the pirate.
"Oh, walking the plank I slipped and fell in the water, see, and a shark got me arm."
The boy was more awed.
"And the patch on your eye," the boy asked, "sharks again?"
"No." The pirate said sheepishly. "First day with the new hook."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes...
when you cry....
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Bell ringers

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk.

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open,eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
'Don't you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man,
in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 55 years.'

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Thanks for this great advice, Kj. Hahaaaa

MISSISSIPPI DECLARES WAR ON U.S. GOVERNMENT

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. “Hello, President Obama" a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Jimmy Boy, down here at Bump's Catfish Shack, in Vicksburg , and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Jimmy Boy," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Jimmy Boy, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Tom, my next-door-neighbor and brother Gerald, and the whole dart team from JD's Bait Shop. That makes eight or maybe nine depending if Bump can close the store.

Barack paused. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Jimmy Boy. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Jimmy Boy called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Jimmy Boy?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and my brother Mike's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Jimmy Boy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Jimmy Boy, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Jimmy Boy called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Jimmy Boy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, catfish, greens and pie and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
.....

The teacher then says, ‘Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

.....

Teacher then says, ‘Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

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Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

I pointed to two old guys across the bar from us and told my buddy,
"That'll be us in ten years."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Christmas Cracker Jokes:

Why do elephants have big ears?





What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titantic?

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




From My Beloved Uncle in Neiderland, TX. He is always sending me jokes. This one is old but I always liked it.

EDIT RUMPOLE:
Like the joke Deb
I tidied the post up with use of the "Spoiler" button [spoiler]

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light