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10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.


At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell.”


Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh My God!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if
he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...


As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh My God! How can that be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Top Ten Things to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long ."

Some pearls of wisdom there.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

I am partial to No. 7. Methinks it is because I am living proof!

Things I do at the computer.



OMD, I love smilies!

No. 1 "rings" true with me.

I got a taste for chillies in Singapore.. and for a long time had chopped fresh chillies with EVERY meal.

It was an addiction for a few years... but I am over it now.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

I like # 8 and # 6 the best!

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A-hahahah. I can't believe that there is an icon with a slinky going down the stairs! Priceless!

Mal is the "Smiley Queen" she has a smiley for EVERYTHING

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”

Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”

Other son said “Me too Dad.”

Dad said “Doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”

The Daughter said “I do…”

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.
Answer: throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said:

“I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”

I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”

“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in prison.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”


He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”


Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”


“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

British humour

Catholic Irish boy in confession says bless me Father I have sinned, I had a wank while thinking about my sister.That's a disgrace said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run... It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

"Charges may vary..."

_________________

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Hostess

And now we know the real story !


Hostess Bakery plants shut down Friday due to a workers' strike. It was split up. The State Department hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading
a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his
collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I
am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two
grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said, 'I am the Father
of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then
leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear
a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead
of your collar."